Would you like to have real self-confidence? I’m talking about the
kind of confidence that is rooted so deep it is literally unshakable.
I’m talking about the kind of confidence you see in a mother when she
needs to protect her infant. There’s no self-doubt or bashfulness. Her
actions flow from a place of certainty. Emotions may be present, but
they do not run the show. Her mind remains resolutely focused on the
goal. You can’t pull rank on her and she doesn’t care how big you are
or what kind of car you drive.
What if you could have that kind of confidence when you approach the
dating scene? Not the fierce part, but the confident, secure part.
That kind of confidence comes from knowing with certainty what you
want. That kind of certainty comes from having a solid plan and no
hesitation to take action when you see the openings you know to look
for.
Wouldn’t it feel great? Wouldn’t you love to have an unshakable
sense of purpose, identity and direction when it comes to meeting and
interacting with men? I’d like you to have that confidence and I have a
few tips to move you in that direction.
Always start with you.
If you are absolutely sure of what you want, you won’t feel nervous
about making relationship decisions. The more certain you become about
what you want in a relationship and a man, the more confidence you will
feel about setting boundaries, asking for what you want, or pursuing
someone who might or might not reciprocate your interest.
Embrace “Failure”
Letting go of fear becomes easier when you accept “failure” as a
valuable strategy. Dorothea Brande has been quoted for her famous
statement on the best method to achieve success, “Act as though it is
impossible to fail.” Combine this with the wisdom of T.J. Watson, the
president of IBM. “Would you like the formula for success?” Watson
asks. “Double your rate of failure.”
How can you succeed by failing more often? Many successful people
swear by this method. If you are always cautious and terrified of
mistakes, you don’t try much and you don’t learn much. People who are
willing to fail embrace it and lose their fear of taking action in the
process.
When it comes to dating…you will fail some of the time. The only way
to be highly confident when dating is to accept failure as a part of
the dating process. Don’t think of setbacks and letdowns as something
terrible that needs to be controlled at all costs. Instead, embrace
failure as something natural that is “okay.” Embracing this simple
shift in your belief system can dramatically increase your confidence.
Always Know Your BATNA
BATNA stands for “best alternative to negotiated agreement.” It’s a
concept that has been extremely useful to me in many different areas of
my life. Basically, it’s about forming an unshakable sense of certainty
when negotiating for what you want.
I wish it wasn’t the case, but the unfortunate truth is men often
need to be told how to behave in relationships. It’s like we men are
kind of wild. We’re not tame beasts. We can love passionately, but
sometimes we need a woman to compassionately explain what is and what is
not okay, and to do so with the kind of certainty and steady gaze that
lets us know she’s telling us how it is rather than “discussing
emotions.”
Imagine you go to your landlord to complain about the broken stairway
railing. Knowing your BATNA before you start the conversation gives
you a tremendous advantage (and boosts your confidence). Let’s say you
have nowhere else to live and know you can’t afford the other rental
options in town. In that case, your best alternative to getting him to
agree to fix that railing might be to ignore it for a while.
On the other hand, you may have plenty of options for other rental
situations. In that case, your BATNA is clear. If, after negotiating
for a few minutes, he does not agree to have it fixed on his dime by
next Friday, you tell him you are moving out at the end of the month.
Suddenly you have the upper hand in the negotiation. You can afford to
push the issue, because if he doesn’t eventually agree, you can pull out
your BATNA. In this case, your BATNA is to threaten moving out,
because you know it really is a better option to you than living with
the broken banister.
In relationships, you should negotiate for what you want. Do so in a
way that gives full respect to the other person’s right to walk away
from a relationship rather than agree to your terms. When you know what
you want in a relationship, you can talk about it openly. When you
have a BATNA about certain issues (like intimacy, moving in, commitment,
or spending time together), you don’t have to agonize about, “What if
he gets mad and leaves me.” Your confidence is high when you already
worked out in your mind that you would be better off looking for someone
more compatible if he doesn’t agree on certain key issues that matter a
lot to you.
Rely more on Attraction than Chasing
Most women have at least some degree of innate understanding of the
factors that attract men. But this article is about SUPER confidence,
not mediocre confidence. Let’s say you’ve realized that your choice of
mate is THE MOST IMPORTANT life decision you can make. Doesn’t that
mean you should try to understand your man as deeply as possible?
The problem is that men are mysterious, even to themselves. They
often don’t understand their own emotions and desires. This makes it
rather difficult to know how to maximally attract them while
sidestepping the landmines that can obliterate a relationship just when
it was getting good.
Confidence comes naturally to those who have a strong sense of
certainty. I want to support you as you develop confidence and the
skills to attract quality men into your life. In this article I’ve
given you what I believe to be some of the most universally helpful tips
for building confidence for dating.
But if you really want to take
your confidence with men to the next level, spend a few more minutes to
learn why the Respect Principle is something your man is deeply affected
by, yet unable to put into words. >>> What Men Secretly Want
